Are You Putting Everyone Else First? Read This.
Today, I’m gonna get a little ranty.
(I don’t usually do that, but there’s something that keeps popping up, and I have strong feelings about it.)
Here’s the thing –
I keep hearing people say, “I put everyone else first.”
Everyone from your family, to your friends, to your boss – even your pets.
These people also tend to call themselves “non-confrontational.”
And here’s what I have to say about that…
Being non-confrontational is NOT a virtue, people!
You’re not helping anyone when you don’t speak up for your truth.
When something bothers you or doesn’t serve you – talking about it is not CONFRONTATIONAL. It’s just a CONVERSATION.
When your coworker takes credit for your work and you don’t say anything – you’re not doing anyone a favor.
When the waiter brings you the wrong order and you eat it anyway – you’re not making life easier for that person.
When you choose to do a little extra work for someone else because they’re so busy (but not really carrying their weight) – that’s not helping them grow.
Your being non-confrontational is hurting you and those who you think you are being nice to.
There are some tricky ways that being non-confrontational masks itself as a virtue.
Let’s look at them, shall we?
3 Sneaky Ways You’re Putting Other People First
(in a way that doesn’t support your highest good)
1. Compromise: reconstructing what you want for the sake of agreement
ex. “It’s your turn to pick take-out. Oh, you want to go to Hong Kong Palace? I just had Chinese for lunch, but that’s okay. I can order something different. That sounds good!”
2. Editing: withholding information about your needs or experiences based on what you think other people can handle.
ex. “It annoys me when Bruce knocks down my ideas in front of our CEO. If I approach him, he’ll think I’m a bitch. He can’t handle this conversation - he’s just not that kind of person.”
3. Being the saint: assuming someone’s needs are more important
ex. “I wanted to grab drinks with my friends, but instead, I’m staying late so my boss can go to his son’s soccer game, which is more important. I can always catch up with my friends later.”
So I’ve been speaking with a lot of people who are interested in The Work Happiness Method.
And I keep seeing all the sneaky ways they’re putting themselves last.
For example, I’ll talk with someone who is totally on board and super excited about joining The Work Happiness Method.
And then they go talk to their spouse about it. . . and then they come back and say, “Yeah, we really don’t have the money.”
But she did when we spoke the first time.
Her husband's hesitation (whether it's a direct "no" or just a slight hesitation) gives her the excuse...
Sometimes it IS about the money. But in most cases, it's about her knee jerk reaction to keep everyone else happy and not rock the boat.
Because if she was in the habit of giving herself what she truly needed, she would find a way to make it happen or to really express to her husband WHY this is an important investment to her.
What about YOU?
Are you using other people as an excuse for not being happy?
(Here’s where the ranty part comes in.)
It’s easier to blame other people (or circumstances) for why you can’t get what you want than to take a risk on yourself.
It’s safer than betting on yourself and seeing what happens.
For some folks, it’s uncomfortable to invest in yourself. (And it’s more comfortable to let someone else talk you out of it.)
It pisses me off when people make a decision that goes against their own happiness. Because not only is that really the source of what’s hurting them - but it’s also affecting those in their orbit.
“When you find your piece in the puzzle you enable 10,000 others to find theirs.”
By not taking care of your needs and turning your own light on - you’re denying others of your true gifts. You’re also not setting much of an example for them.
Plus, people treat you the way YOU treat you.
If you don’t like the way someone talks to you at work, pushes off the less fun assignments onto you, or who doesn’t respect your needs - take a look at yourself. Do you give yourself the respect you deserve?
I know you’ve probably been eyeing my new program.
And you may feel conflicted about it.
“It’s too much money to spend on myself.”
“Will I make the most of it? I don’t want to spend the money unless I’m sure I’ll DO something with what I learn.”
“I’m scared of what will come out of it. What if I decide I want to quit my job? What if I end up LIKING my job? And what will happen to my relationships if I change as person?”
I get it.
Making an investment in yourself can be scary.
But I want you to get that the reason it’s scary is often because you’re just not used to putting yourself first.
You’re accustomed to compromising...
To being the saint...
To avoiding confrontation…
In short, you’re accustomed to talking yourself out of the things you want.
So my question for you is this…
Are you ready to put yourself first?
It may feel scary. You may even feel guilty at first.
But when you’re done, you’ll feel liberated.
It’s time to stop living someone else’s definition of success – so you can start living the life that brings you joy.
With much love,