You can't flourish ALL the time

Everyday I pass a row of trees outside my building. These trees have been bare since I moved in. How do you tell a bare tree from a dead one? They kinda look the same. Recently I was looking up and noticed a leaf blowing in the wind. At first I thought it was a remnant - a lone and frail survivor. Then I looked closer and noticed it was green! It’s ALIVE it’s ALIVE!!! The tree was beginning to bloom. 

Isn’t so cool that something which seemed barren, dead, hopeless for so many months - meanwhile had all this magic brewing within? There’s no way you could see it from the outside. 

Our work, our relationships, our creativity, our lives - everything really, has its season, too. Sometimes you can’t tell but there’s a lot of work happening below the surface - beyond your awareness.

But unlike the weather, our ideas, our work, our relationships, our lives aren’t as predictable in their seasonality. So what do you do if you’re experiencing a hard winter:

1. Know that winter doesn’t last forever.
2. Remember that winter has a purpose - it’s a resting time preparing for blossoming.
3. Befriend your winter days - savor them while they last, find at least three things a day you can appreciate.

While we're all familiar with a metaphor of seasons, most recently science is also investigating the rythms of our lives in a emerging field called Chronobiology. "Chronobiology is the biology of time, or the study of internal biological clocks. Biological clocks are found at all levels in living organisms. They range from oscillations found in nerve cells on the millisecond scale to oscillations in minutes, hours, days, and years in a variety of organisms and tissues."   

Here’s to all of YOU - at ALL times. 

Much love, 

Stella

Listening to the body

Hi there. It's Stella here. Today I had a lot of ambition and a lot of surprises along the way. I was so determined this morning to get through a thicket of to-do's including choosing from a stack of incredible intern applications. I fueled up with a large Philz coffee (some of the best in SF) ready to turbo charge. But then my neck was hurting all day. By mid afternoon it kinda stopped turning. Thankfully I had an appointment for acupuncture. As if my pain wasn't enough already, on my way to the appointment I tripped on the curb while waiting for a green light. And that really hurt so I became even more inflexible (oh the metaphors). I looked up to the sky and said WTF?!? What is this about?!? I started to cry - feeling limited in my body and all sorts of sorry for myself. I came home knowing this wasn’t about my neck - that my body was speaking to me. But I wasn’t sure what it was saying. Well, I only reached about 4 interns. If you’re applying and reading this - I’m sorry - but I had to listen - even to a message I didn’t like. Now that I’ve had about three hours of rest (and some leisurely bubbly) I’m feeling the energy and flexibility come back. Maybe my body just wanted to chill. Sometimes we get all sorts of irrational-out-of-the-blue signals that go against our ambitions. Our body has its own intelligence - and it may speak in a language we don’t quite understand. The key is to at least ask questions and set the intention to listen.  

My optimism secret - tell the world to F itself!

This month’s love letter (not receiving my love letters?) is a story about how I went from pissed off to praise-the-lord using some skills I learned from positive psychology. Here goes...

It was very quickly turning into “one of those days.” 

First, an important breakfast cancelled. Next, a quick call to the bank turned into an hour long frustrating dilemma. 

I was running late, un-showered, and unprepared for my next meeting. Uggggh! Then my cabbie gives me major attitude. After hustling to physically show up at a local bank branch, the teller tells me that the only person who could help actually quit.

If I was a cartoon you’d see steam shooting out of my ears.  

With no i Scream Truck available, I used some optimism tricks to self talk my way out of a melt-down:

I silently declared to the invisible forces messing up my day: “Fuck you! I’m going to have an awesome day regardless of what goes down. Bring it.”  

The scientific translation:

My crude real-life-in-the-moment declaration above is actually a practice of Learned Optimism. It’s choosing to see events as:

1. Not personal - There’s nothing wrong with me (at least that’s causing this situation).
2. Not permanent - This is not my whole life, it’s one morning.
3. Not pervasive - Yes, this morning sucked but it doesn’t mean my whole day, career, or life sucks. 

Studies found that positivity helps you live longer (you're two times more likely to be alive than your negative counterparts after the age of 65) and perform better at work (you’re more likely to be promoted within a year, receive positive reviews, and make higher sales).

I think the stakes are pretty high...so read about the five quick steps you can take to untwist a nasty situation into a positive one...

As for my happy/positive ending:

By keeping my cool instead of attacking innocent bank clerks, I stayed open to speaking with the Assistant Manager, Jasmine.  That's us in the pic!

Jasmine was curious about WOOPAAH and pretty soon we found ourselves engaged in a meaningful conversation about happiness, struggle, and her experience of post partum. In about 20 minutes I not only resolved my issue, I met a new friend, potentially a new client, and experienced love 2.0 - a warm and authentic exchange that nurtured my being and brought me alive that day. 

If I was a cartoon - the clouds would part, the sun would shine, and hallelujah would sound. 

To read how to practice Learned Optimism without saying “fuck you” check out the scientific-five-step approach!

With much love,

Stella

Five Steps to Optimism: The A,B,C's to life

You're in bad a mood, someone rubs you the wrong, your boss is mean, your friend snaps, your morning sucks...life happens. Someone wise (who I'm forgetting now) said: Life is like a movie and you are the director. You decide where to point the camera and what story to tell. There are infinite ways to tell the same story...so you might as well choose a happy ending if it's your own. If you read my next blog post you'll see how I stumbled through these steps.

A) Identify the Activating event

ex: My breakfast meeting cancels, I have problems with the bank, I'm running late, a cabbie give me attitude.

B) What was the resulting Belief or inner thought dialogue?

ex: I'm having bad luck. 

C) What were the emotional and behavioral Consequences?

ex: A downward spiral of self judgement, anger, and frustration. 

D) Dispute irrational thoughts or beliefs

ex: This is just one morning. I've had many successes that I'm proud of and have navigated worst days. In fact, many of my bad days often turn out to be awesome in the end. 

E) What are the Effects of interpreting the incident differently?

ex: I can have an awesome day regardleess of what happens! 

Want to read more. Albert Ellis' ABC Model Here

You can also find more in Martin Seligman's: Authentic Happiness.  

Our best,

Stella + Genna

on the science of love

Welcome to my first love letter!  My intention is to spread science, stories, and some Stella perspective on how to amplify your awesomeness at work, home, and everywhere in between. I'm calling this a love letter because this comes from love, from a deep desire to see you flourish - feeling totally alive and awake to the amazing person you are and the life you live (even if you don't always see it that way). Since it's V-day I figured I'd kick off with an examination of the L-bomb itself.

A few days ago I sent an email to my advisor from grad school, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. Barbara just happens to be the world's leading expert and researcher on positive emotion (isn't it cool that she's one of the first people who helped guide the foundations of WOOPAAH?! holla!). Barbara just released her new book, LOVE 2.0, where she gives the low down on this particular transcendent experience of our humanness from a scientific perspective. She also answered a few of my personal questions. Here's what I got:

 Why is love so grand?

 Love not only feels good but it literally nourishes our body just like food and sunlight. Out of all the positive emotions (joy, serenity, awe, etc) love is considered the SUPER emotion because of its powerful effects on our well-being. Love can literally influence what parts of our DNA get expressed in our cells.  

So what is love 2.0?

Fredrickson expands our notion of love, defining it the way your body does: a momentary state of warmth and connection that you share with another living being. It becomes less about relationships and more about moments - reverberation of feelings between two people. Here are the three things happen when you experience love:

1. A sharing of one of more positive emotions between you and another

2. A synchrony between your and another person's biochemistry and behaviors (for example, your brains sync up, you may start walking at the same pace, or breathing in the same rhythm)

3. A reflective motive to invest in each other's well-being that brings mutual care

How can love help you at work?

When we experience love, the walls between ourselves and the world outside of our bodies becomes one. Literally the signal we have in our brain that defines the border of our self (whatever is outside our skin) and non-self begins to blur.  Experiencing this sense of cohesion with others elevates your ability to work as a true team.   Studies show that literally your brain synchronizes to be on the same wavelength as another...this is called brain coupling.  Your brain can even begin to anticipate the other’s thoughts - not just mirror them. Shared emotions, brain synchrony, and mutual understanding emerge as an awesome trifecta when two people “get” each other, when you become attuned with another.

Easy ways to spread the love 2.0 today:

1. When someone is speaking be there truly present and listen with care. 
2. Notice positive qualities about someone and pay them an authentic compliment.
3. Shine those whites on somebody today - authentically and unexpectedly - and watch how they light up. 
4. Say a conscious thank you with all your heart when someone does something for you today. 
5. Share this love letter with someone telling them you care about their well-being. 

We also asked Dr. Barbara Fredrickson for some personal insights, here's our interview with her:

In your book you talk about our need to consider love in new ways... how has this manifested in your life? 

It makes me realize even more so that I can’t take my loving relationships for granted.  With my husband – and with my kids – I look for more moments when we might share a common source of amusement, inspiration, awe, or affection.

WOOPAAH is all about getting grown-ups to play so they can be more awesome at work. Do you see a connection between play and love?

Most definitely!  Especially when we grown-ups play with others, and not just by ourselves (i.e., dancing in your own living room before anyone else in the house wakes up).

What's the role of love in the workplace?

You need not use the L-word in the workplace to benefit from knowing how and when to create more micro-moments of positive connection with work colleagues.  Doing so helps unlock collective capacity.

4. What question would you ask the next person that WOOPAAH interviews?

How connected and “in-tune” did you feel when interacting with people today?

More about Barbara Fredrickson:

Dr. Fredrickson is the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Principal Investigator of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab at the University of North Carolina. She is a leading scholar within social psychology, affective science, and positive psychology. Her research centers on positive emotions and human flourishing and is supported by grants from the National Institute of Health. Her research and her teaching have been recognized with numerous honors, including, the 2000 American Psychological Association's Templeton Prize in Positive Psychology. Her work is cited widely and she is regularly invited to give keynotes nationally and internationally. She lives in Chapel Hill with her husband and two sons.

Until next time! 

With much love,

Stella